Everyone, listen up. Keep boxes closed, use filters on your videos and for God’s sake, don’t go to Costco for “one thing,” your family loves you even if I don’t give a damn.

Call someone who cares, but if you want someone who doesn’t – editor@weeklyworldnews.com

Dear Dotti,

I FINALLY found the Blockbuster Video rental copy of Weird Science I paid the lost-tape fee on in 1986! Well, I cracked it open and realized I don’t have a VHS player. But before I could say, there were some very questionable things in that film: my shirt shrank, my hair curled up, and I started talking in a throaty British accent! What in the name of Mary Lou Retton is going on? – Signed, John-Hughes-Cursed!

Dear Cursed,

Oh honey, turning into Kelly Lebrock isn’t the worst John Hughes Curse to catch. You didn’t get Best Friend-Longing-For-Love, Hair-In-Your-Eyes Rebel, or skip school to lead a parade through the city of Chicago. So load up on Pantene Shampoo and practice this phrase: Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.
––Dotti

Dear Dotti,

I’ve aged 20 years instantly! I looked in the mirror this morning, and I was proud to say using sunscreen and eating healthy really shows! Then I made a Happy Birthday video for my nephew, and when I watched it back, I was 20 years OLDER! Wrinkles! Lines around my mouth! And my neck- I’d put a turkey to shame. How do I turn back the clock to where I was just this morning?
–Signed, I Used to Look Great For My Age!

Dear Turkey Neck,

Let me guess? You didn’t wear your readers when you looked in the mirror, and then you used your iPhone to make the video, and then? You put your readers BACK on and watched the replay. Take it from this ancient Goddess of Wisdom: NEVER DO THAT AGAIN. Here’s a tip. It’s called a FILTER. All the kids are using them. Look, will the world still embrace you, wrinkles and all? No. So download the latest, slap it over your droopy jowls and tell everyone you know, Happy Birthday! YOU are celebrating 35 again.
—Dotti

Dear Dotti,

My mom said she was going out to Costco for “one thing.” And I’ve been waiting to borrow the car to hang with my bros for four days. This is getting really low-key panic. She’s like…alive, right?
–Signed, I Want to Chill with My Friends If My Mom Will Get Home

Dear Teenage Orphan,

She’s neither dead nor alive. She’s entered a unique metaphysical zone called Costco Parking Lot, endlessly circling as though gravity itself won’t let her park far away and just walk. I don’t know how long it could take for her to free herself, but eventually she’ll run out of gas. Enter the parking lot on foot and listen for the honking of horns. Follow that sound until you find your mother slumped on the steering wheel, muttering to herself, “Someone will pull out soon.” Whatever you do, never go to Costco for ‘one thing.’ HA HA HA HA HA!
––Dotti.

Toodaloo till next. –Dotti

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