Advice from NP: The right thing to do is to start responding with, 'He ate.' That’s it. That’s your response. So is silence

The Right Thing to Do is smart, honest advice to readers’ questions about life, family and relationships by columnist Rebecca Eckler. Got a question for Rebecca? Submit it anonymously on the form here. You can also send an email to NPadvice@postmedia.com.

I am an only child. I am now married and have a toddler. I was raised in a very strict household, largely because of my stay-at-home mother’s tendency to be controlling, narcissistic and emotionally immature, all qualities I did not fully understand until I moved out.

Since getting married and becoming a parent, I’ve come to recognize how unhealthy parts of my childhood were. Even today, my mother oversteps boundaries, insists on interfering with our parenting decisions with our toddler, sends incessant messages asking where I am, if I’m home yet, has my son been fed, and so on and forth. It feels like she cannot treat me as an adult and perhaps still struggles with empty-nest syndrome despite me having left home nearly a decade ago.

I work a high-stress, very demanding job, and my husband and I are in the thick of the toddler years. The last thing I need is another person to manage and I wish there were a way for her to be a part of our lives without the incessant “hovering.” She cannot seem to respect boundaries or acknowledge our requests and so we’ve had to repeatedly take “breaks” where we pause communication for weeks or even months at a time for the sake of my mental health. I can’t bring myself to trust that she’ll respect our wishes if we were to leave our son in her care and so not only do I mourn the loss of a relationship with my mother, but also the loss of support in raising a small child.

My husband has tried advocating for me with my mother and attempted to help repair the relationship, but her response is always to lash out, accuse me of complaining and paint herself as a victim. It doesn’t seem like she’s willing to hear me out or recognize the hurt she is inflicting. She refuses to seek counselling.

Is there any hope?
— Only Daughter

You ask if there is hope for you and your mother. Well, yes and no. You’re certainly not going to get “the hope” you’re hoping for.

Listen, I’m not “anti-hope” when it comes to trying to fix fraught mother-daughter adult relationships. I am, however, anti-delusional.

Could your mother start to respect your boundaries? Sure, in the same way, I could wake up with abs of steel like Jennifer Lopez while doing absolutely nothing.

Both are delusional AF.

At a certain age, and after decades of behaving a certain way, it’s highly unlikely your mother will magically wake up one day emotionally evolved, self-aware and respectful. If anything, she’ll probably double down.

Your exhaustion is palpable, which worries me. It’s not just new-mother-stressful-career exhaustion. It sounds like I’ve been emotionally on call since I, myself, was a toddler, exhausted. Of course, you need breaks.

Your career is demanding. You have a husband. A pint-size dictator to raise. You do not need another adult with unlimited texting privileges asking how many bites your kid ate from that dinosaur-shaped chicken nugget.

Unfortunately, many adult daughters of overbearing mothers spend years hoping, “Maybe she’ll understand this time if I explain myself differently.” I hate to break it to you, but all your mother will ever hear is, “Why are you attacking me?” Emotionally immature parents rarely see themselves as controlling. This may ring especially true if you’re an only child.

But you do not owe your mother live coverage of your parenting, with play-by-play updates if your toddler has been fed, bathed, napped, has blinked and found his nose. Your kitchen, as far as I know, is not a breaking news television station.

You do not have to answer unsolicited parenting commentary. Period.

The right thing to do is to start responding with, “He ate.” That’s it. That’s your response. So is silence. That, too, is a response.

“Is there any hope?” is not even a realistic question, based on your situation. A better question to ask is, “Can you manage some sort of relationship with your mother as she is, not as the mother you wish she had been, and the grandmother you wish she could be?”

Instead of asking, “How do I make her understand my reasoning?” Ask, “How do I stop needing her to understand my reasoning?” You are an adult, and you are not alone. Honestly, difficult mothers are probably what keep most therapists employed.

You have explained your position to her. Repeatedly. Your husband has too. You already know you cannot boundary your mother into an ah-ha moment. You cannot boundary someone into changing their entire personality. You cannot boundary someone into therapy. If that happens, buy a lottery ticket immediately.

What you can do is stop second-guessing your boundaries. Your mother lashing out or being upset does not mean you’ve done anything wrong. Your mother does not need to understand your boundaries for you to have them.

And you — yes you! — can stop treating every incoming message like they are a life-or-death emergency. Stop it! Stop defending your parenting decision. Stop responding to every “Did he eat?” text as though Child Protective Services is waiting outside your house.

While this may sting, there is probably no hope for a dramatic mother-daughter reset. So, you can stop exhausting yourself with the hope that she’ll become the mother you want.

But there is hope… for you. To become a different type of daughter, who no longer feels guilty for having boundaries, ignoring phone calls or taking breaks.

You could start with one small act of bravery, by putting your mother’s number on “Do Not Disturb” or on “Hide Alerts.”

Also, have you eaten today?

Love,
Rebecca 

Rebecca Eckler is a bestselling author, founder of re:books publishing, Rivkah Books, and co-founder of CANREADS. She’s a professional oversharer and observer of human behaviour, and has spent decades writing about life’s messy twists. She believes advice should come with humour, compassion, and the occasional reality check. She has no formal qualifications for this other than a lifetime of questionable decisions and excellent stories.

Have a question for Rebecca? Send anonymously by clicking here. Or email NPadvice@postmedia.com.

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