With the news that the BBC are tendering for a new series of Doctor Who, I thought I'd write down what I want from the show. This is, to be fair, pure fan-service wankery with zero chance of being made. I've based it on the oft-made observation that Hollywood is obsessed with remaking successful films rather than trying to remake unsuccessful ones.

Do we really need another Spider-Man origin story? No. Do we need the umpteenth remake of "The Italian Job"? Boring! Why don't producers take a film which was nearly a hit and see if a better director, crew, and cast can make it into something magical?

Let's apply the same thinking to Doctor Who.

My pitch is simple - remake some of the original stories which were let down by shoddy effects, naff music, indifferent direction, and hammy acting. There are loads of great stories which are stretched too thin over six episodes with clunky cliffhangers. So let's give them a fresh lick of paint, trim each story down to two episodes, and give them modern direction⁰.

One story from each of the original Doctors' run. But here's the twist - there's a different actor playing The Doctor for each story! The Doctor's companion stays the same throughout. As the ~14 episodes play out, The Doctor gradually becomes aware that some malevolent force is compelling them to relive their previous adventures.

Very roughly, this is what I'd do:

1. The Web Planet - with Patrick Stewart as The Doctor. Imagine proper CGI ants! Menoptra floating through the air! It's fair to say I disliked the original version, but it is easy to imagine how it could work.
2. Fury From The Deep - with Miranda Hart. A fine story but with so-so delivery. The environmental angle would resonate well today.
3. Invasion of the Dinosaurs - with Sean Pertwee. Look, who else are you going to get to play him? The original story is probably the epitome of shoddy FX work! Everyone loves dinosaurs and having them rampage around the UK (rather than a spaceship) would be thrilling.
4. The Talons of Weng-Chiang - with Benedict Wong. Is it possible to rewrite this to be less racist? There's a great story to be told, but the original suffers from "yellowface".
5. Earthshock - with Riz Ahmed. Time to get in a "classic baddie" with the Cybermen running rampage on a ship.

At this point, The Doctor realises who has been driving him through his past lives. Forcing him to confront his sins. Sending him mad through endless regenerations.

Adric.

Someone, or something, has resurrected Adric. His "noble sacrifice" was little more than a suicide attempt after the relentless bullying by The Doctor and his companions. Driven to vengeance, he is determined to keep The Doctor trapped in a never-ending cycle of death and destruction.

6. The Twin Dilemma - with Michaela Coel. A hugely problematic and violent story. As The Doctor realises her companion is a villain, can she keep her reactions under control? Should she?
7. Survival - with Alex Horne. The Doctor has to face not The Master but a furious Adric hellbent on purging the Universe of the Time Lords. All the strands of the previous stories come together in an epic climax.

Get J. Michael Straczynski to run the thing, a bunch of chiptune/electronica/glitch musicians to give each episode a unique sound, and - crucially - show it in autumn/winter. There's no point having scary sci-fi on when it is bright outside and people want to go out and play. This needs to be hug-your-mum-for-warmth-not-because-you're-scared TV.

Right, I'm off to the Beeb to deliver the pitch! TTFN.